So, in cleaning out my docs on my computer, I came across a spoken
word poem that I wrote perhaps a year or two ago. As I read, I thought how
fitting it was to how I am currently feeling. So, I share with you now.
Me Against Me
by Val
There’s a war
Waging, raging,
Aging my soul
Breaking my spirit
Breaking all self control
A virus, a sickness
A poison breeding death
Ripping away the righteousness
Killing God’s holy breath
That once was on me
Baptizing me with fire
Turning my insides black
Turning me into a liar
Refusing the truth
That once set me free
Choosing the chains
That put Christ on the tree
What I do I hate
What I hate I do
I want desperately to follow what’s true
But the battle rages, ages my soul
Breaking my spirit
Breaking all self-control
It’s me against me
And the battle’s too heavy
It’s me against me
And my spirit is weary
How long will this last?
How long will this last?
The leaven has leavened
And the lump is too vast
I’m sinking, I’m drowning,
Cause my flesh cant say no
I claim your all I want
But I can’t seem to let go
What am I grasping
In hopes of satisfaction?
My heart is sick and deceitful
Causing too much distraction
I don’t think I have anymore fight
The scales of deception
Have robbed me of sight
Life has become a comatose night
I’m fading to oblivion
Cause I can't see your light
Your word is a beacon, a heavenly spark
Your promise brings healing and lights up the dark
It’s me against me
But YOU swear by YOU
I’m free for freedom’s sake
Cause YOU are the truth
As a believer AND follower of Jesus Christ, do you ever find
yourself clinging to sin more than clinging to God? You ever feel like for some
reason you find your identity in the things that keep you farther from God?
Caught in a Romans 7:15 feeling like Paul did, "For I do not understand my
own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate."
I've been thinking a lot about how the Lord hates my sin. How I
wish I hated it too. I don't know when fear became so big and my BIG GOD became
so small? What does it take to let the world numb you to your own sin?
I know my identity in Jesus. I know I am, we the Church,
are called to be Holy, [Lev.11:45, 1 Peter 1:15] a Royal Priesthood, a chosen
nation [1 Peter 2:9]. I know He’s called us to abide in Him [John 15:4] and to
resist the devil and he WILL flee [James 4:7]!! The Lord tells us if we draw
near to Him [God] He will draw near to us [James 4:8]. He promises to be
faithful to complete what He starts in us [Phil. 1:6], and He doesn’t lie [Numbers
23:19, Hebrews 6:18, Titus 1:2]. No one else in the whole universe can swear by
Himself [Genesis 22:16, Hebrews 6:13] and do it!! Thus, He is trustworthy.
But, what erases all this knowledge in the face of sin or
temptation? Does the moment ever go by that unhurried, in a uber slow moment a
la matrix, where your whole world slows down and can see yourself taking the
pill, or saying the words, or giving into the anger, the gluttony, the greed,
etc. In my experience, it’s never that slow. All of life is hurried, so our
dependence on God is just as hurried.
In this poem, I was speaking from a place of acknowledgment of
sin, where I knew I needed and still need the Lord to help me kill the giant in
my life. My favorite part of the story of David and Goliath is the fact that
nothing deterred David. He knew nothing about the giant, He just knew that,
that day, the Lord would help him defeat Goliath.
Thus my starting point… I know not what’s to come as I wage war
against the things that keep me from Jesus, but since my King never lies, and
He’s promised to finish the work He started in me, I am gonna take Him at His
word.
Let’s face Goliath, not with sticks or stones, but with TRUTH and
POWER!
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of
power and love and self-control.”- 2 Tim. 1:7
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