Undone

Oswald Chambers wrote “No man receives a word from God without it immediately being put to the test.” Oh what wise, wise counsel. Recently my prayers have been quite audacious. In a bold request to my King, I prayed that He would not only change my heart but that He would truly transplant it. He’s been answering my prayers. Every day the Lord has been showing me a little more of the wickedness in my heart. The more I see how ugly and sick my heart is [Jer. 17: 9] the more I see my need for Him. I find myself saying “sorry” and “forgive me Lord” more than ever!

I had my morning quiet time at a cemetery today. (That may sound morbid but I love cemeteries.) As I sat among the beautiful stillness and greenery reading the Word, I read 2 Samuel 6, which describes the time that the Ark of The Lord came to Israel. Out of joy David danced in front of all his subjects. The King of Israel casting down his crown, his shame, and his reputation, stopped to praise the Lord! It goes on to read that David danced before the Lord with all His might. Then verse sixteen tells us that David’s wife, saw him making a fool of himself and she despised him in her heart. The story goes on to share that when David came home, his wife who had been watching his display of foolish joy over the Lord rebuked him with sarcasm saying, “How the King of Israel has distinguished himself today!” With wonderful candor, and wisdom, the King replies to his Queen, “I will become even more undignified than this…” (and just when you think whoa that’s enough for me to feel inspired)… he goes on to add, “And I will be humiliated in my own eyes…” [2 Samuel 6:22]

See, David, knew the Lord. In the most beautiful and special way, he knew His King. He knew what His King was about like only two people that are intimately entwined can know. And what David knew then, and what most of us miss now, is that loving the Lord is not about slapping a WWJD sticker on our cars, or a bracelet on our wrists. The call is far more powerful than that. It is as Charlie Hall puts it in the song Marvelous Light, it’s “a call to come and die.” And no matter what anyone says, or how anyone breaks it down into a certain amount of steps, it’s a hard thing to live out. Death is not easy, and death to one’s self is far worse.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, a broken countenance and the irksome feeling in my gut that today would be the end. Over the last couple weeks God has been calling me to surrender. He’s been very specific about the things He wants me to surrender. This morning, I wasn't prepared for what He specified. So as I sat on the grassy hill with the Son pouring over me… I’d like to tell you I broke down, prayed, and surrendered it all… But alas, I can’t. I sat looking at the gravestones and tried to silence my heart. Unsuccessful at shutting up the King of the Universe, I finally gave up and decided to drive back home with the radio on, keeping my mind busy, I went to work. The whole day, as I did my job, I felt like a zombie, a totally different person. I was sullen and quiet and unable to focus. Then, during the hottest part of the day, I had to drive over to give someone a ride. I got into my sweltering car without complaining (totally out of character for me, since I hate the heat) and I drove. Quietly. No music, no thoughts, just silence. And lo and behold, I got on the freeway and the tears started plummeting! A sudden, uncontrollable down pour on my cheeks! Those tears were releasing the very things that have kept me hindered and stuck. I cried. I cried hard, and loud. I cried out to the Lord, and confessed that I heard Him and His call. I heard what He had asked me to surrender but that I didn't want to and if I did surrender this one part of my life, I will have NO control over it! And oh my gosh what if I don’t have ANY control over it!? As I prayed and cried, my ten-minute drive, felt like a long dragged out eternal interaction with the King of Kings, who was asking me to die to myself in a very specific way, and I was saying no?!…

I am not on any social network. I don’t tweet, update, or follow anyone’s lives and pages. This blog is as connected to the Internet as I dare to even be. I’m much more of a face-to-face person. But, I was able to waste about twenty minutes of my time browsing a few pages. Why did I do it? Because social networks are addicting! You know it. I went to look for one thing, and that one thing took me to another page, then another page, then another, and so on. Pages are colorful and people seem so with it, and cool, and fun, and interesting. And as I skimmed through the pages, I saw pictures I hadn't seen and read thoughts that my friends never share one on one, and the more I browsed, the sadder I got. Page after page, I saw no remnant of the work of Christ. No difference from the pages of people who know the Lord and people who don’t. My heart began to sink. Then, one little diamond in the rough shinned through and I saw a page that made mention of God’s goodness, not once, or twice, but almost daily. It was refreshing and encouraging. I quit browsing, and went on to text the person whose page had encouraged me. The point of going online was not to judge anyone’s life, or virtual life, but I did realize that it’s not just me that is struggling to surrender. Many people are professing to believe in the Lord Jesus yet refusing to become undignified for Him.

We still crave it. Approval. From our peers, our family, our co-workers. Its there. The nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you that despite your greatest efforts to deny the fact, you really do agree that “your nobody till somebody loves you.” In the case of social networks, I suppose it’s more of, “ till everyone loves you.” Which ironically will NOT happen if you’re preaching the Word. There is no topic more unpopular. It’s so much harder to become undignified and foolish for the work of the Lord when you’re busy worrying about the approval of everyone but Him. Self-preservation is prevalent not just online, but in fellowship at times too. I'm not saying unbelievers are this way, I’m saying we’re all this way! We all care far too much about the opinion of man. Were we to not care, we’d be willing to make fools of ourselves for the Gospel in worship, deed, and time. I've always believed that “your deliverance is in your worship.” When a person gives their whole heart to the Lord, then and only then can they be delivered and transformed. The point of this mist of a life is to give it away. That can’t be done when were worried about looking foolish. 

David didn't just say he’d become undignified for the Lord; he went on to say he’d even be a fool in his own eyes. He was willing to even look into his own life and say, “you look nuts! This makes no sense! People are looking at you!” (Or something like that). He seemed to be a man who lived out Luke 14:26 and He understood that the only way to gain your life is to lose it.  

I’m not David. And I don’t think I can ever be. But I know this; I surrendered something big to my King today. Not because I had to let go, but because He called me to, and because I believe Him, I surrendered. I will most definitely look like a fool. And, with His help, by His eternal grace, I will become more of a fool and do and go wherever He leads. What David says here reminds me of what Jesus personifies so well, in the book of John. Over and over He mentions that He and the Father are one. That if the people have seen Him, they've seen His Father. When the disciples want to give him food, he replies that His food is to do the will of the One who sent Him. He goes on to say that He knows the names of His sheep, and they know His voice. He prays for the disciples, and all future believers. Throughout the entire book of John we see this loving God demonstrate how His life is different because He and the Father are one. Jesus, like David became undignified, even more so. Jesus became a “worm, not a man” as He is spoken of in Psalm 22. How much more undignified and foolish can a person be than to die on a cross, beaten, and naked, where people mock and cast lots for your clothes? And yes, you could say, “but Jesus is God, and He had divine power and strength to overcome the temptations of this world.” But the crux of the matter here, is that, we are not God, but because of God, because of that undignified foolish abandon of self, lack of self preservation and passion for truth that Jesus had on the cross, we get to partake in that power because Jesus has not only given us redemption but He’s also given us HIMSELF, the Holy Spirit to comfort, refine, and sanctify us as we wait upon the Lord. Yes of course it is easier said than done, but friend, it is better lived than said!

Christ has undone me. Every part of me is begging for Him to bury and resuscitate my brokenness. It’s hard, and sometimes painful. I almost feel like I’m in mourning, because something in me died today. But I know what the Lord calls me to is far better than I can even dream! Recently, my beloved friend Hugo and I were discussing life and I lamented my selfishness and he said, “You seem to want to live a very selfless life,” I explained that its not what I ever wanted. I was called to it, and because of that call, I want it more than anything else. Because of the work of my Lord and Savior on the cross, I am undone. Jesus has wrecked and destroyed every plan, dream, and goal of mine.  

Is it hard? Definitely!

Is it uncomfortable? You bet!

Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY!

There is no greater cause, or worthwhile activity than pursuing an incredibly loving, passionate God who is relentlessly, passionately, lovingly pursuing YOU! Because being undone by the maker of Heaven and Earth through love, and peace is far better than being undone by a relationship, debt, unemployment, depression or death. He is every bit a gentleman, and He stands at the door and knocks, I pray you let Him in.







no music, just my heart

Surrendering

There’s a church down the street from my house that has a billboard on its lawn that reads, “Do something great for God.” This billboard… bothers me.

Often times we want to do something huge for the Lord. All of my Bible college classmates were studying to be overseas missionaries and many achieved that goal, and here I am… still at home. Caring for a man who rejected me as his child (my dad). I don’t know if anyone reads this. Nevertheless, I’ll share that I have been a caregiver for my elderly, sick, father for several years now. A man I once professed to hate has become the greatest blessing of my life.

Its so easy to dream of being the next Francis Chan or Mother Teresa, people God blesses/blessed with the ability to impact and inspire. Nonetheless most of our missions are small in comparison. As a missionary that lives out a moment-by-moment mission, I know that seeking Jesus involves a daily funeral for myself. Truth be told, it is not easy or fun to dig our plots and bury our skin.

A few days ago in the midst of a dragged out battle of Orc vs. Hobbit proportion in my mind, I wrestled with my sin issues and in absolute sober mindedness and full wakefulness I felt the presence of the Lord, and He said to me, “Aren’t I enough?”

See, recently the Lord has been bringing my junk to the light. A few friends of mine and I are doing a summer book club in which we are working through what it really is like to pursue Jesus in the midst of everything. It has been a blessing, yet as we read, we become more and more challenged and here I am, vulnerable and broken once again before the One who formed me.

And this intrusive sign reads “Do something great for God” and He asks me if he is enough, and I’m supposed to act like I don’t still dream of being in Africa doing medical missions, loving orphans, and curing AIDS? I’m supposed to desire something great, yet be satisfied in Him as enough when I don’t get to do the GREAT things I apparently should be doing? What!?

Then, it hits me. The something great I am doing for God, is surrendering every right, want, dream, and tool of self-preservation. The GREAT thing I can do for God is to get out of His way. It hits me. And instead of pummeling me with stings, it soothes my weary heart.

Jesus wants me to surrender and be willing to do what He calls me to. Even if that means ten years of schooling before I can serve in Africa, if I serve there. Even if that means changing the diapers on my father, even though I don’t think he ever changed mine. Even if that means watching loved ones pass, even if that means surrendering the right to marry, have children, eat pizza or sugar, buy clothes, sleep comfortably, have a roof over my head, have a car, watch the Lord of The Rings trilogy in one sitting (which yes, I often dream of doing!)… the big thing I can do for God is to surrender and be lead in the doing because the truth is that nothing I can do or bring to God is of any worth. The purpose of the Gospel is to love God, and love others and to serve as He says, leads, and calls. Period. All I have to do is seek Him, and the doing gets done.

In doing something great for God, I have been learning that all my little surrenders, things like serving my father, and family, amount to Him doing something Great in me. When I am in Him, serving Him, glorifying Him, He changes me. He is great in me, when I am clinging to Him, surrendering whatever I feel completes me.

No one wants to take the trash out, or wash the dishes, or clip the fingernails, or bathe an 82 yr old combative Dementia patient, or do the laundry, or cook the meals, or change the diapers, or clean the house, or drive people around all day. Its not a dream job, but it’s a job that must be done. And when I surrender my wants and my rights, I find the Great God that is doing something GREAT in me, instead of me longing for the other way around.

I die a little more every day. And no matter how unappealing that sounds, it is the best dream of my life. That one day, I will be fully given to Jesus and living in absolute abandon to His good and perfect will. 

The point of living is glorifying God in everything. Because this life is not about what work I can do to save me, but rather what or how I can elevate Jesus and what He’s done for me and how He’s saved me. So, yes, the answer is, yes Jesus, you are enough. And yes, intrusive billboard on my street lets do something great for God! Let’s start with surrender.   

Listening to KJ-52 Soul Purpose